Claim it's a DNA test and turds give best results. Handwritten is fine, no need to trouble yourself with letterhead or anything.

Good idea! Now, would it be safe to eat after it's been through the mail?

Hey, you should make a YouTube channel and vlog about this. Would be very entertaining to see how fucked up you currently look and watch your further degradation as you die of disease.

lol

She's part of the podcast turd of the month network, it will be fresh and discreet. This isn't her first, sorry to disappoint.